Lately I have been feeling very messy.
By lately, I mean the last couple of months. It's been one of those seasons where it seems like anything that could "hit the fan" did and left me blinded by confusion, anger, and pain.
I feel like as Christians, a lot of feel like we're supposed to have everything together all the time. When Christ says, "bear one another's burdens" it means we're supposed to share our heart, but only in a nonimpact, limited way—we can't create too big of a mess. Grace and redemption only apply to our past, not our current situations or even our future ones to come.
"I just want to pour my soul out on someone and not have to worry about the mess I've made."
Here's where I think we go wrong.
We call ourselves "Christians" rather than Christ followers. I feel as though this label of Christian and the pressure we feel from the demonic-spirit of religion is what traps us into thinking we have to have it together all the time. If we start looking at ourselves as Christ followers, we'd see how rarely anyone in the Bible "had it together". We'd see how the people that followed Christ were messy people and the Lord never condemned them or made them feel ashamed because of that fact. He loved and cherished their hearts and prized them on their authenticity!
However much I see this, though, I can never seem to bring my broken, flawed heart to the Lord. I scramble around trying to pick up the pieces, applying a mess of glue and tape trying to mend it all on my own, making it even messier than before. What a great God we serve that merely laughs and smiles at my efforts, cleaning it up, refreshing it and making it new, whole, and better than before. I often wonder when my stubbornness will fade and I simply let the Lord take my heart when pain comes. Because despite how much I think my own efforts is what is going to heal me, it often is what drives me away from healing and redemption even more. My stubbornness comes out of fear that I will be too messy, too much for Him, and He will tell me what a burden I am.
How deceitful the heart and mind can be.
If only that fear were immediately replaced, I wouldn't push away truth and the understanding of who I am in Christ. I think I am too modest a person sometimes. I can never take a compliment and have difficulty seeing goodness in myself. Because of that, I can't understand or comprehend my identity in Christ—even though it's all through Him and nothing of my own works. The beginning of this understanding starts with the simple realization that I am not defined by my past. I am not defined by what I've done, what others have done or said to me, my mistakes or my triumphs, but purely defined by who Christ says I am. I am thrilled to be starting this journey with the Lord of finding out what He has to say! Because if I am honest, I have pushed for far too long and I am so weary. Maybe that's why I've been feeling so messy—when Lauren takes control, you can bet there will be a mess. I've fallen out of a moving car for goodness sake. I'm not exactly the best and the brightest.
When the Lord has control, there is rest. There is peace. There is the joy and understanding that I am not defined by my past and He is the one that defines my future.
As for the "someone" that I can pour my soul onto and not worry about the mess I've made, I know the Sunday School answer, it's just taken me awhile to realize that no person will ever be able to handle all of me completely. We are to bear one another's burdens, yes, and to be vulnerable and unrestricted in our messiness and complications and blunders but it's unfair to think that someone can handle two hearts. The only one that can ever hold your heart completely and never be overwhelmed by it is the One who created it.
"God who created your heart can most definitely heal it."
I am not too messy for Him. I am not defined by my past.
Freedom is found in our identity in Him.
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